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NEED TO GET THIS OFF MY CHEST!!! [Friday, January 25, 2008
01:46AM
]
[ mood | disappointed ]

Ok I know that my girlfriend know's my journal and reads it but I need to get this off my chest before I burst and it causes more damage! Before I met my gf I never seriously dated anyone that smoked and NEVER dated anyone that did drugs. Before I met her I knew that she smoked cig's and deep down I knew it bothered me, but I wasn't planning on falling in love with her. From the VERY first day she has been nothing but honest with me and I respect that, but now she just throw's that in my face when I bring these things up. My mom smokes so I grew up around smokers, but I am not one myself. All my friend's smoke as well and I have always been the one who didn't smoke, but like I said I never dated a smoker. One of my ex's was a smoker, but we only lasted a couple months so it didn't really affect me back then. At first I wasn't use to it espically the kissing and everything. I am very anti-smoking and at time's it really comes between us, I hate the fact that it's bad for your health, the way it smells, and how much it costs. I know its very hard for people to quit smoking, but why the fuck do they start out in the first place? To be cool?? Well, now they are in their late 20's being cool is not important anymore and their money and health is. I wouldn't be as upset if I saw her giving a little effort to quit, she has been saying she wanted to quit since July and it hasnt' happened yet! It kills me every time she buys another pack of cig's another 5.00 or so down the drain on something that is killing her and me even more. I should just smoke because its more healthy then not smoking being around it 24/7. She smokes with the window open but that does SHIT it just makes the room cold, me cold and MIckey cold. I tried to make her smoke downstairs hoping that would help her quit as its like 20 degree's here, but stupid me should have NEVER let her smoke in the room in the first place because who I am now to make her stop when she has been doing it for 7 months? She said she'd just go live at her mom's where she could smoke in her room, well if smoking is so important to her that she rather live at her mom's to smoke in her room then that is just fucked up! At times it really feels as though she put's her smoking before me and if she couldn't smoke then she'd leave me. Ontop of the smoking cig thing is the whole weed thing... this bothers me more because of the cost, it's illegal and its just wrong! I know alot of people out there smoke weed, but they are quiet about it. I wouldn't care if she didn't smoke like it was going out of style, I can understand every now and then but not like 10 times a day. She also always needs some if she doesn't have it, its like her life is revolved around weed and cigs. She would say that she was upfront with me from the beginning and I understand that, but like I said I wasnt' planning on falling in love with her. I have to pretend these thigns don't bother me and go on my merry way, but they this has been eating me inside and out and I try to talk to her about it but I just can't. She just says that I don't understand... Ya ok I do understand its just that I don't aprove of it and its not normal! I just had to vent this out tonight because it's been eating away at me inside and if I didn't get it out I think I would've just exploded or something... I love my girlfriend to death and I could NEVEr live without her its just these two things really bother me. I could never leave her over these things, but I just wish that she would understand and take my feelings into consdeiration as well. Sometimes I feel like this is a one sided issue when it isn't! We talk and discuss everything but when it comes to this topic I have to keep quiet and pretend that nothing is wrong. *sigh*

Paint My Heart

...Venting... [Tuesday, January 08, 2008
04:05AM
]
[ mood | depressed ]

I have been wanting to write in here for the longest time, but I just haven't had the energy or chance really. I have been busy with playing my new video games and watching my TV show's and shopping... I also just don't really have a hell of a lot to write about in here like I use to. I use to write in my old LJ every day or almost every day! But, that was when I was really depressed and at a loss, but now I can handle things without writing them out all the time, but when it comes to this extreme I need to get it off my chest before I flip out. I am waiting for my sleeping pill to kick in so if this starts to not make sense then I'm sorry. It's mainly about my mom, girlfriend, and just life in general really. My mom has been such a bitch to me and takes everything out on me. My stupid dad decided to turn off the gas card and now I have to stress about having enough money for that every month untop of everything else that I can't pay. He doesn't realize that school is 45 miles one way and with these fucking gas prices it just kills me! This world and the money stiation needs to end and I am sick of no one ever doing anything about it. Everything goes up but people's wages, don't they realize that? I swear if you aren't rich and/or rich and famous then what's the point? Your living to never get ahead, you will always have to owe someone for something the car payment, insurance, college loans it just never ends. *sigh* On another note, my mom has been treating me like she did when I was younger and it's really bringing back bad PTSD on me. I know I am 24 and older now but it's my mom and there is only so much I can say and do to her. She understands how much it bothers me and then in the end she usually says sorry but the damage is done. She puts me in the middle of my father and her relationship and that just is wrong! I hate my father as it is and there isn't anything I can do different then she. SHe cant' face the facts that my dad is a dick and a cold hearted dick that doesn't want anything to do with her and our family. 

*SIGH* well there is something else that is really eating away at me. My girlfriend is planning on going away for two weeks to Mass. where she use to live with her ex gf of two months. They were best friends first and she has a son, her name is Stef. Well, Stef's mom's need to go to Iowa for their grandmothers memorial and Lor has to take card of Taner Stef's son who she calls her son as well... But she isn't his mom by law or by blood, but she still calls him her son. That bothered me from day one, but I have no say in it realy. So she has to go there for two weeks to get Taner off the bus and to school and help him with his homework and crap. Stef will be there as wel but she works night shifts so she need's help to take care of HER son! I guess when her mom's are there (Taner's grandmothers) they do what Lor is going to be donig. I don't understyand why Stef doesn't try and get a day shift so she can be home with her son and help him with the things he needs and ontop of all that Taner has mental problems like ADHD and stuff. I am really upset about her going away for that long, but I can't go because I will be just starting school and interning (hopefully) and I can't miss school! Stef and her girlfriend are driving out here to pick her up. I have been crying almost every day about this, crying myself to sleep and waking up with a wet pillow. My mom told me to give it up and grow up, but I have been with my gf every day for the last 6 1/2 months and to know that I won't be able to see her, hold her, kiss her and all that lovey stuff for two weeks is like telling you you can't live, eat or sleep for two weeks. I was hoping that my mom would be alittle more understanding about this as she will be with me during this very hard time! I'm starting to cry already and its two weeks away thatn she is leaving ...me... ontop of taking care of Taner she also is planning on finialzing her Divorce with her ex wife. THat means going and seeing her ex wife... I know there is no relationship if there is no trust, of course I trust her, but I dont know the saying "once a cheater always a cheater" rings in my damn head every day. She is also planning on meeting this chick that she was talking to before she met me who also lives in Mass. When I told her I didn't want her to go she said that she is allowed to have friends and she doesn't date bi sexuals. This chick is pregnant from a freak she fucked the first night she met like a low life white trash ass. *sigh* whatever I guess I will be how many thousand miles away I won't know what is going on and I guess what I won't know won't hurt me. Lor asks me if I trust her and I of course say yes and of course I do trust her, but with my own past history and everything I just get very scared and it just all builds up and here I am again venting on here. I just need to get out in the open, off my chest and hoping someone wil actualy care and understand my point of view. It's so rough not having family members you can go to, all I have really is people that either don't understand, don't watn to understand or don't want to be bothered. Stef doesnt' see a problem in me not seeing Lor for over a week, but she doesn't realize that me and lor have been together every day for the last six months. Yea we have breaks from each other when I have school or she has school or I have dance ect... its just not having her next to me when I sleep, or to be with in the car or go out to eat with. I know two weeks isn't the end of the world, but it just really hurts me! I guess apart of me is overreacting but this is who I am, I am emotional and things like this really take a toll on me and I worry about them weeks ahead of time. Also apart me of is going to think that she will be away from me for so long that she will realize that I am not the one she wants anymore or something. I dont know I dont have very good self esteem in this area of my life, and again like I said with my history nothing is ever easy for me to deal with. BUt, I will have to grow up and start acting like the 24 year old I am and not like I am 6 that my numbers add up to. I am a grown girl and I got by fine on my own for many years at a time, and this time I will have to start again. Well sleep pills really kicking in so I amg oing to end with that... I have more venting to do another time, but right now this is whats bothering me the most these days.... Did I ever tell you that I hate this feeling :( Feeling like your going to begin to cry on the drop of a hat, or the moment someone brings up the subject or you think about it. Or you turn your back to look at the calendar and see the date they are leaving it just like a million reminders that the day is approaching faster and faster, but I guess on the other side of that HOPEFULLY it wil go by even faster when she is away. ANother thing is that she knows how bad this is killing me, and she just doesn't seem like she wouldn't go no matter what... I guess I am acting like to much of a baby, but if it was role reverse I wouldn't go if I was in her shoes but that's just me. Again I am acting like a big baby whimp and if I don't start to grow up I might lose her all together over this bull shit. All because I can't handle my emotions and abandonment issues like my mom said. I guess for now I will just have to take one day at a time and clear my mind of all thoughts......  

2 CommentComments | Paint My Heart

Post Christmas Update... [Monday, January 07, 2008
03:54AM
]
[ mood | sleepy ]

I haven't been in the mood to write in this but its not time to spill my guts... My sleep cycle is still all messed up, it's 4am and here I am writing on livejournal. I tried so hard to switch it back but no matter what I do it just doesn't work! I guess I'm not trying hard enough... Christmas came and went way to fast and when it went away I was very depressed for about a week. I got alot for christmas some things I got was a play station two  from my mom with sims 2, kingdom hearts and kingdom hearts 2, as well as a ninentdo DS pink from my girlfriend with a few games from her as well. I got a few board games as well such as guess who disney edition, the new life twist and turns game, as well as disney globe, heart seat covers and mats for our car and so much more. The DVD's I got was meet the Robinsons, Shrek the third, Celine Dion from Las Vegas and the one that came with her new cd. Thats what I can remember at this hour and I know its boring to read it lol so thats all I will list for now.  Oh I forgot I made a short list of some of the items I got!

Sony PlayStation 2 Console 
Thrillville

The Sims 2: PlayStation 2

Kingdom Hearts Greatest Hits: PlayStation 2

Kingdom Hearts II Greatest Hits: PlayStation 2
Shrek the Third PS2 - Wal-Mart 

Nintendo - DS Lite - Coral Pink - USGSPB 

Sims 2: Castaway DS - Wal-Mart

Battleship, Connect Four, Sorry! and Trouble DS - Wal-Mart
Walmart.com - High School Musical 2 Value Bundle
Game of Life, Twists and Turns - Wal-Mart

Celine Dion: A New Day - Live in Las Vegas - 

But I'm a Cheerleader - Widescreen 
Meet the Robinsons - Widescreen Dubbed AC3 Dolby - DVD

Shrek The Third Fullscreen - DVD 

Taking Chances

Jordin Sparks (with Exclusive Bonus Track) - Wal-Mart 

Audio Day Dream - Wal-Mart 

DisneyStore.com: Mickey & Pluto Gloves for Him 

Pride Sticker Set 

Disney Mickey Mouse Rainbow Checkbook Wallet 

Scene It? The DVD Game: Disney - 2nd Edition - Mattel - Toys "R" Us

Guess Who? Disney Edition Game - Hasbro - Toys "R" Us 

Sunbeam Hot Shot Hot Water Dispenser - 6131 : Target

 

 

 

Paint My Heart

I Feel Like Crying :'( [Friday, November 30, 2007
02:05AM
]
[ mood | hurt ]

I hate when I feel like this! Epically when I don't really know 100% why I feel like this... I thought I'd write in here because right now its my only outlet because my girlfriend is on the phone with her ex gf whose gf broke up with her on Monday. I don't really like that my gf talks to her ex gf's it really bothers me a lot! But she says that they are only friends... but still I don't talk to ANY of my friends... She tells them she loves them and calls them babe... I should be the only babe in her life and she should only be telling me she loves me!!! Am I over reacting??? I don't know I honesty don't... but it bothers me. I'm trying not to be the jealous girlfriend and the overwhelming one at that as well. I understand that people come to her, but it hurts me. She tells me that I have no heart... well if she feels that way then why is she with me??? I have a heart a very big one at that I'd like to add. *sigh* times like this I don't know what to do... what to say or how to act. so here I sit writing in my lj because that's the only thing I can do to make myself not throw up and cry. I try to talk to her about this but she just looks at me like I'm some kind of joke! Sorry if I have feelings and I am overly emotional at times. I try to be strong, but a part of me is not at all! I try to hold things inside, but that just makes me feel even worse and become so quiet and I find myself saying that I am tired or don't feel well or both! Why can't I just say the truth?? I am so unhappy right now and I really don't have a lot of motive to be, on top of it all the last two nights I've had the most realistic dreams that my gf leaves me for other women. Now this happens... Do I really not have a heart?? or am I so over come with hurt, jealousy and god knows what else. Maybe I can go to sleep at a more normal hour then at 5-6am! This insomnia needs to go! It just makes things worse instead of better. so now I gotta go face this issue and hope for the best. We got into a fight a few nights ago Tuesday night because of a major reason... something I don't want to write about right now or maybe ever!

7 CommentComments | Paint My Heart

My m.o.m & I can't s.l.e.e.p [Tuesday, November 27, 2007
12:58AM
]
[ mood | exhausted ]

Tonight was a step into the past with my mom... she really gave me major flashbacks and I couldn't say or do anything it was like I was frozen to my chair! She started in because she kept saying that no one cares about her and when is someone going to comfort her and ask her if she is ok? My dad called and pissed her off again today, they are seperated and he is a prick! He just says whatever comes to his mind and lashs out on my mom. My dad is obsessed with money and my mom is really in debt, she got two credit cards in his name a while back and he found out. That was the end of that. I mean ya she has a really crappy life and hates everything, but she allows my father to walk all over her and treat her like crap. I tell her over and over again to just ignore him and hang up or not pick up the phone when he calls but she doesn't listen. It's like she is so use to the verbal abuse then thats all she knows. She hasn't yelled at me like that in god know's how long and wow it was so painful and so embarassing. She was screaming at my girlfriend as well who has been there for her throw think and thin!!! I don't know what to say to my mom as I am not fond of my father at all, and what I say doesn't matter any way she never listens to me. GRRR Its so fustrating because she has no one but my gf and I and it's alot on the both of us. I have enough of my own problems!! She then comes up to our room about 30 mins later saying how sorry she is and that she didn't mean to take it out on us... Just like she did when I was younger. Sometimes sorry just isn't enough espically when you verbally abuse them so badly and insult them and make them cry. Yes people make mistakes, I would've given her slack if she didn't treat me liket hat my whole childhood! But, sometimes you have to just learn how to deal with things in a more mature manner and not lash out on the person that is always around you. I try to do that with my girlfriend but sometiems it's hard because you are so close with them. My mom really needs to learn how to calm down and not act like a 13-year-old! 

FOr the last two nights I can't sleep and I have taken sleep meds. I've tried every one over the counter and perscribed and nothing works for me. I am scared sometimes because its like my body won't let me sleep! I just lay there tossing and turning trying to get comfortable and I just can't. I'm either to hot or cold, not enough room or just can't shut up my mind. I took a bath tonight and a hot shower hpping that might help. I have class tomorrow at 2 so I can't sleep all day like I do every other day of my boring pathetic life. I swear my life is so meaningless and I am sick of everyone jumping down my back abotu everything little thing. No one is perfect and I am far from it! I am planning on going back to dancing in January and taking more then one class at school this two class thing just isn't me espically since i'm not working! *sigh* I am hoping tonight I can sleep... after this thing with my mom it was just the icing on the cake. I have to be up by 12:30 tomorrow and its 1am here already :( I'm tired but I'm not.. I just don't know anymore. I wish i was "normal" with a normal sleep cycle, life steady job, not in debt, not psycho of parents not a homophobic sister and brother-in-law... I also haven't had my period in the last three months which doesnt help. I stopped my birht control pill via my med doc and I lost a ton of weight, so if I can't find one that doesn't make me gain weight and cause depression then no period it is. I'm sure my body will give in sooner or later and let me bleed! its not like I miss it but its really fucking up my harmones and everything... I wanted to try and vent in here to see if that helps some for tonight as well. I am behind on my school work kind of and only have a few weeks left! Its scary! then I'll have a month off till the Spring semester but I'll be back to dance in between thankfully. Well... I guess that's about all for now

1 CommentComments | Paint My Heart

Depressed... Bitchy... BLAH ;( [Wednesday, November 14, 2007
11:11PM
]
[ mood | All Alone ]

I hate days like today... I just want to crawl into a hole and never wake up until this horrid feeling goes away. I know its mainly because I haven't had my period for over two months now and my harmones are all fucked up. I feel so depressed, bitchy, angry and I am in the "i hate my life and this world" mood :( I need someone to talk to but my girlfriend is also in a bad mood and pmsy so I can't even talk to her. What do I do in days like this?? Do I just stay in bed and wait for it to pass or do I face the problem and hope for the best? *sigh* I feel so alone right now and so unwanted, unloved and fat, ugly and GRR... I had such a hard exam tonight in my class i was the last one left as always. I just wanted to throw the damn thing in the garbage and run away. I am not doing good right now and I just wnat someone to hold me, hug me and tell me it will be ok. but there is no one to do that for me :( so here I sit writing in my journal and wishing that it was a real person, but no one seems to understand they just keep saying that I am in a mood, i'm bitchy ect... well we can't all be happy 24/7 you know? I don't know what else to say right now so I'll just end with that... I hate when I am like this! I hate who I become and how I act, but I just can't seem to control it! I feel ill to my stomach, my heart hurts, my head hurts it becomes so physical and I just can't do anything. I just pop pill after pill hoping that it will go away but nothing ever does. I havent' been feeling good in weeks now and I still do NOTHING about it! I have no one to blam but msyelf, but it would be nice to have someone to actually care and want to help me and love me through times like this not just put their wall up and call me a bitch ect.. wouldn't that be nice? But I guess no one is like that in todays world because if they are then please send them to me... This world is so cold and lonely and its the same thing day in and day out and I just want to scream! At least I can cry again I havent' been able to cry in years and finally I let myself do it. but it doesn't alway work and I know the mood I am in th only thing that will work is sleeping... so thats what I'm going to go and try and do... sleep...

2 CommentComments | Paint My Heart

I Don't Feel Good :( [Saturday, November 10, 2007
02:22AM
]
[ mood | sick ]

I haven't been feeling well the last couple of days even weeks. I don't know if its from not sleeping right, as I am up all fucking night into the early AM and sleeping all day, not getting enough sleep, being around smoke to often and in large amounts... or its from not getting my period for the last two months. I stopped my birth control which helped with my periods because i thought it was making me depressed and it causes  weight gain... I don't need ANYTHING to cause weight gain! So... now that I got medicare FINALLY I am going to make an apt. with my regular doctor and gyno because last April they found things on my cervix or something... I never followed up because I only had medicade and I didn't want to go to a clinic. So, I just will have to deal with this shit until I actually get my ass to the doctor. I did up my zoloft from 100 mgs to 150mgs and I don't know if that has something to do with it. I went to the ER in July and they found nothing wrong with me as always just a high red blood cell count and some blood  in my urine that was about it. *shrugs* sometimes I wish I could self dx myself because I am always sick it seems. I do have CFS (chronic fatigue syndrome) but blah I can't always use that as an excuse. So I will have to suffer until I finally get my fat ass to the doctor's and finally find something wrong wtih me so I can actualy stop feeling sick day in and day out. I always complain and complain but I never do anything about it! I think apart of me feels like I need to complain about feeling sick to get more attention from my mom and even sometimes from my gf... Really pathetic I know, but I've always been that way growing up because it is when my mom and dad wouldn't abuse me and yell at me ect.. They actually cared well my mom cared and actually took care of me like a mother is suppose to take care of you! I was doing so well hardly ever sick almost a year! I take my vitamins every damn day and I sleep at least 10 hours a night but its how I sleep because its off "normal" cycle's like I said and that just fucks you all up all together...

3 CommentComments | Paint My Heart

Happy 3rd Birthday Mickey! [Thursday, November 08, 2007
06:07PM
]
[ mood | excited ]



Today is my baby boy Mickey's 3rd Birthday... I got him May 2004 and he is the joy of my life :) I don't know what I would do without him next to me every night and in my arms every morning. I consider him my son and I would do anything for him. I just wish that I had more money to take him to the vet :(  But, to celebrate mickey's birthday my good friend sent me this really cute email about pets :) so I thought I'd share it...


To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our  front door:
 
To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:
 
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
(That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter  who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
 
Remember: In many ways, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3 Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't want to wear your clothes
10. Don't need a "gazillion" dollars for college.
 
And finally,
 
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children !
 
 
3 CommentComments | Paint My Heart

New Layout... New Life... New Update [Saturday, November 03, 2007
08:15PM
]
[ mood | blah ]

Well, another new livejournal because I have grown from my old one _evanescence_ and I grew from the band. I use to be obsessed with them and everything revolved around them espically Amy Lee. I decided not to delete my old journal just yet as i want to make sure I save all my old entries as they are a big part of my life. I like to keep my journal entries to reflect on my past and see how I have grown. I didn't watn to write in here till I made a layout and that I've done. It took me a while to find out that I could alter and I finally sat down last night to do it. Making graphics gets my mind off of things and I really needed to do that last night. My next goal is to find LJ friends again, but I really made this journal for myself. I need a place where I can vent out my feelings and thoughts because I have been keeping them all bottled up inside. My good friend fragileme has had a journal and I stayed on here to read her's and I just can't get enough of the icons lol I have to say that I am not pleased with LJ for making this new S2 system to make your profiles. I am sticking to S1 as I always have and I know alot of us are sticking with. 

I am now in graduate school for clinical art therapy I am graduating in December 2008 finally. I have been in school ever since I started pre-school. I never took a break and I never stopped! I have my High School Dipolma, AS in english secondary education, BA in psychology and studio art and now I am getting my masters (MA) in Art Therapy. My grades have been really good and I am proud of that, but it isn't easy I can tell you that much. I am not working now though which helps because I can't go to school and work at the same time. It's to much on me mentally and physically. People don't seem to understand that deep down I still have mental disorders it's just covered up with my medication that finally found a good cocktail. I still have bad days, but the good days are lately alot more frequent then the bad. I am sick of people not understanding why I can't do both, they always are so quick to judge me espically my family. Ya I am going to school to be able to do a good job and support myself and hopefully future family. A part of me is scared that I will fuck up or not be able to do my job in the future a part of me thinks about that often. But, sooner or later I will have to grow up and do what I am going to school for! 

1 CommentComments | Paint My Heart

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