I have been wanting to write in here for the longest time, but I just haven't had the energy or chance really. I have been busy with playing my new video games and watching my TV show's and shopping... I also just don't really have a hell of a lot to write about in here like I use to. I use to write in my old LJ every day or almost every day! But, that was when I was really depressed and at a loss, but now I can handle things without writing them out all the time, but when it comes to this extreme I need to get it off my chest before I flip out. I am waiting for my sleeping pill to kick in so if this starts to not make sense then I'm sorry. It's mainly about my mom, girlfriend, and just life in general really. My mom has been such a bitch to me and takes everything out on me. My stupid dad decided to turn off the gas card and now I have to stress about having enough money for that every month untop of everything else that I can't pay. He doesn't realize that school is 45 miles one way and with these fucking gas prices it just kills me! This world and the money stiation needs to end and I am sick of no one ever doing anything about it. Everything goes up but people's wages, don't they realize that? I swear if you aren't rich and/or rich and famous then what's the point? Your living to never get ahead, you will always have to owe someone for something the car payment, insurance, college loans it just never ends. *sigh* On another note, my mom has been treating me like she did when I was younger and it's really bringing back bad PTSD on me. I know I am 24 and older now but it's my mom and there is only so much I can say and do to her. She understands how much it bothers me and then in the end she usually says sorry but the damage is done. She puts me in the middle of my father and her relationship and that just is wrong! I hate my father as it is and there isn't anything I can do different then she. SHe cant' face the facts that my dad is a dick and a cold hearted dick that doesn't want anything to do with her and our family.
*SIGH* well there is something else that is really eating away at me. My girlfriend is planning on going away for two weeks to Mass. where she use to live with her ex gf of two months. They were best friends first and she has a son, her name is Stef. Well, Stef's mom's need to go to Iowa for their grandmothers memorial and Lor has to take card of Taner Stef's son who she calls her son as well... But she isn't his mom by law or by blood, but she still calls him her son. That bothered me from day one, but I have no say in it realy. So she has to go there for two weeks to get Taner off the bus and to school and help him with his homework and crap. Stef will be there as wel but she works night shifts so she need's help to take care of HER son! I guess when her mom's are there (Taner's grandmothers) they do what Lor is going to be donig. I don't understyand why Stef doesn't try and get a day shift so she can be home with her son and help him with the things he needs and ontop of all that Taner has mental problems like ADHD and stuff. I am really upset about her going away for that long, but I can't go because I will be just starting school and interning (hopefully) and I can't miss school! Stef and her girlfriend are driving out here to pick her up. I have been crying almost every day about this, crying myself to sleep and waking up with a wet pillow. My mom told me to give it up and grow up, but I have been with my gf every day for the last 6 1/2 months and to know that I won't be able to see her, hold her, kiss her and all that lovey stuff for two weeks is like telling you you can't live, eat or sleep for two weeks. I was hoping that my mom would be alittle more understanding about this as she will be with me during this very hard time! I'm starting to cry already and its two weeks away thatn she is leaving ...me... ontop of taking care of Taner she also is planning on finialzing her Divorce with her ex wife. THat means going and seeing her ex wife... I know there is no relationship if there is no trust, of course I trust her, but I dont know the saying "once a cheater always a cheater" rings in my damn head every day. She is also planning on meeting this chick that she was talking to before she met me who also lives in Mass. When I told her I didn't want her to go she said that she is allowed to have friends and she doesn't date bi sexuals. This chick is pregnant from a freak she fucked the first night she met like a low life white trash ass. *sigh* whatever I guess I will be how many thousand miles away I won't know what is going on and I guess what I won't know won't hurt me. Lor asks me if I trust her and I of course say yes and of course I do trust her, but with my own past history and everything I just get very scared and it just all builds up and here I am again venting on here. I just need to get out in the open, off my chest and hoping someone wil actualy care and understand my point of view. It's so rough not having family members you can go to, all I have really is people that either don't understand, don't watn to understand or don't want to be bothered. Stef doesnt' see a problem in me not seeing Lor for over a week, but she doesn't realize that me and lor have been together every day for the last six months. Yea we have breaks from each other when I have school or she has school or I have dance ect... its just not having her next to me when I sleep, or to be with in the car or go out to eat with. I know two weeks isn't the end of the world, but it just really hurts me! I guess apart of me is overreacting but this is who I am, I am emotional and things like this really take a toll on me and I worry about them weeks ahead of time. Also apart me of is going to think that she will be away from me for so long that she will realize that I am not the one she wants anymore or something. I dont know I dont have very good self esteem in this area of my life, and again like I said with my history nothing is ever easy for me to deal with. BUt, I will have to grow up and start acting like the 24 year old I am and not like I am 6 that my numbers add up to. I am a grown girl and I got by fine on my own for many years at a time, and this time I will have to start again. Well sleep pills really kicking in so I amg oing to end with that... I have more venting to do another time, but right now this is whats bothering me the most these days.... Did I ever tell you that I hate this feeling :( Feeling like your going to begin to cry on the drop of a hat, or the moment someone brings up the subject or you think about it. Or you turn your back to look at the calendar and see the date they are leaving it just like a million reminders that the day is approaching faster and faster, but I guess on the other side of that HOPEFULLY it wil go by even faster when she is away. ANother thing is that she knows how bad this is killing me, and she just doesn't seem like she wouldn't go no matter what... I guess I am acting like to much of a baby, but if it was role reverse I wouldn't go if I was in her shoes but that's just me. Again I am acting like a big baby whimp and if I don't start to grow up I might lose her all together over this bull shit. All because I can't handle my emotions and abandonment issues like my mom said. I guess for now I will just have to take one day at a time and clear my mind of all thoughts......